Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Chad! Me! Exclaimation! Point!

Chad posted something today that I found most interesting. Not because it contained eath shattering revelations (I don't want to seem like I'm insulting what he had to write, I'm only making an observation.) rather, because for the most part were I to write a confession of sorts to my peers, these would be the sorts of things I would say.

I imagine though, like myself, there are other things that we would never post about. For better or worse, even though we are all great friends, there will always be secrets. And that is understandable. There are some things I would rather not know about people, luckily there is not too much info that I know that I wished I didn't. A very vague line exists to separate the don't discuss and do discuss sorts of things; I would rather someone skirt the line towards telling too much or too little. Communication, its a good thing to have. Chad wrote:

ok... so i'm trying something a touch new. I'm going to confess! i'm going to whine a bit and tell every single dark secret about myself in this little blog for all to read... it's cathartic.

i have poor self esstem.. many of you might beg to differ, but really, i do. i am constanly afraid that i am going to fail and be seen as less of a person, this is why i don't like playing board games, cards, even video games by myself in my own room... what if the computer beats me?

it is also why i keep so many secerts, it is why i am sexually repressed, the only reason i am shy around girls i am the least bit attracted to, why i don't finish anything....

i BELIEVE that my movie will suck... i capatalize believe in a fanatical way, anyone who knows the power of belief will understand... it will be my fault, i wrote it wrong, i believe that i am a poor writer, i ramble, can't seem to get out from under one charecter, i don't expand enough, my writing is not clear enough... all of my creative pursuits, the part of my life that i strive to be best at, will fall, i am useless... i can't do it.

of course anyone who reads my work tells me it's great, how could someone come and tell me otherwise... it's like the special olympics (wow a twenty minute mile! you are a great runner!)

(of course i will never stop doing it)

i have a modest collection of porn... some of it a touch depraved, i like it... it is shamefull... it turns me on... i hide it under the program files in my computer so no one will find it...

i am very consious of what i wear, i always think someone is going to make fun of me for what i am wearing... never got over that from middle school.

i feel that i am not at all physically attractive....

i have nothing to talk about because my thoughts are always consumed with the structure of what is going on, who likes me, who doesn't, who is plotting against me, i need to know these things so i know what to say when subjects come up that i can't handle... its also why i keep people on the defensive as much as i can.

i can't function in normal society, it's because i am afriad that by likeing sports or going dancing, that i will be looked down upon.. besides i wouldn't be good at it anyway.

i am not competitive, it's because i am not good at anything and fear that i will lose and look like an asshole. the moment someone steps in and wants to fight over something... a girl, attention, name it.. i back down... i avoid the failure.

i don't brush my teeth regularly.

i think my lack of hair makes me a freak... and people judge me due to it.


i think i will be alone all my life.. i think all the past girls i have dated were flukes.. i have nothing to offer, why would anyone want to be with me.

i can't take a compliment because i feel i am being patronized, or just plain lied to.

i have an overwhelming feeling that i just don't get it... any of it... and i will flounder for the rest of my pathetic life engaged in foolish quests to be what i never could.

so.. that is all i will give at the moment because i am rather sure this is all pretty boring for most of you... but you feel compelled to keep reading.. like there might be a test at the end... and if you don't pass the test than you obviously don't care.. which, so you think, would make you a bad person...

i really don't need sympathy.. it would make it worse i assure you.. i'm not posting this so my friends will come by and save me... not at all.. i just needed to let everyone in the world know... so that maybe i can get out from under this dragon.. and kill it.

thank you.